I recently concluded a job search, over the span of which I reviewed hundreds of job postings. Here are some real ones that I saw:
Speech Writer
360.org
Portland, OR
$30–50k
“we are is (yes, seriously) seeking a creative, energetic, and detail-oriented professional who will serve as a Senior Writer and chief Speechwriter for the Candidate…”
Marketing Manager
U.S. Tennis Ass (Yes, seriously)
Beaverton, OR
$40–50K
“Are you a great team player?”
Junior Copywriter–6 Month Temporary Position
Barre3 Fitness
Portland, OR
$14/hr (Yes, seriously)
“Must have 3–5 years agency experience, a bachelor’s degree in marketing/advertising, and up to 20 hours of on-site availability weekly.”
Yes, I applied for all three of these jobs. No, I did not get an interview with any of them.
Much like a retweet, the fact that I applied should not be construed as an indication of my approval. In fact, I heartily disapproved of all three, for obvious reasons, but unfortunately they were a pretty fair representation of the jobs available to someone with my training and experience.
I saw so many dumb, useless job postings that I started thinking about what kind of posts I would like to see.
Here are a few of those.
I regret to say that not a single one of these positions was available while I was applying.
Toilet Reader Wanted
The National Geographic Society
Remote (Seated) Position
$200k and up
Requirements:
Regular bowel movements.
Strong sense of privacy.
Most love rugged adventure, but like, not THAT much.
Abhorrence of all things single-ply.
Seeking Full-time Peripatetic/Perambulist
Nike
Portland, OR
$500-900k
Like a dog walker, but the dogs are optional.
Must enjoy leisurely strolls through parks and shit.
Must have some nice sweaters/jackets to wear on walks.
Maybe a sketchbook.
That’s it.
Wanted: Senior Comment Writer
YouTube
The Comfort of Your (Mom’s) Own Basement
$1M and up
Facial hair encouraged but not required.
Expertise in all comment pillars, including but not limited to:
Who’s still listening in 2k19?
Good taste in music brought me here.
I am only 13 years old, but I think Queen is the best band ever.
Must be able to savagely own the snowflakes.
Head of State Wanted
Banana Republic
Central America
$∞
Some heavy lifting required. Mostly gold and jewels.
If you cannot afford a mistress, one will be provided for you.
Taxes optional.
Term: life (usually 6-8 weeks).