"Three days ago the...thermometer registered 107 in the office, and the next day the mountains were covered with snow. The worst is the assorted pollens that crowd the air and get everybody snuffling and spitting and tweezing. I revert to my former thesis: IS this a habitable planet?"
--Hugh Nibley, Letter to Paul Springer. June 1956
[A segment from an unaired episode of the Dr. Phil Show, dated June 11, 2019.]
*VCR tracking fizzles, zips into focus*
Dr. Phil: You know her from The National Parks, Columbia commercials and Native American mythology—and of course her stint in David Attenborough's extremely popular BBC 1 program—please give a warm welcome to...Mother Nature!
*Raucous applause from the studio audience*
Dr. Phil (Cont.): and with her, Mr. Tanner Wadsworth, a disgruntled son, currently seeking legal emancipation through the court system.
*Silence. Paper rustles. Somewhere a man sneezes*
Dr. Phil (Cont.): So, Tanner, if you don't mind me asking, what's your deal? What on earth (excuse me, ma'am), has Mother Nature ever done to you?
Tanner: She's trying to kill me, doctor.
Dr. Phil: Whoa now! You mean to tell me that Mother Nature, the magnificent entity who literally sustains all life, is trying to kill you?"
Tanner: I do, sir.
*Mother Nature, beaming, wreathed in sunshine and songbirds, chuckles dismissively and smiles into the camera*
Dr. Phil: Tell us about it.
Tanner: Well, one time I was shoveling roofs in Eastern Idaho on a warm, late winter day. It was the first time that year that the sun was out—really out, you know—and so I went ahead and took off my shirt for a few minutes to catch some rays. When I got home, I was so badly sunburned that I was violently sick for several days.
Dr. Phil: Cute. You got a sunburn.
Tanner: No, seriously! At high altitude, sunburns are much more severe. The fact that I was on top of a roof covered with highly-reflective snow only made it worse. It was like being cooked in an ultraviolet oven. The sunburn was so intense that I actually suffered mild nerve damage in my shoulders and back and contracted a rare condition called "Hell's Itch."
Dr. Phil: Sounds like a venereal disease, but ok.
Tanner: Every night for A MONTH I suffered excruciating itching all across my back, like I was being bit by ants. I couldn't sleep. I was going crazy. There's no known cure for it except time.
Dr. Phil: Do I smell daddy issues? How's your relationship with Father Time?
Tanner: Well, he's obviously working on killing me too, but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that Mother Nature is not as benevolent as she seems. Everybody loves the sun, right? And yet, it will literally KILL YOU if you spend any time with it at all! It's poisonous! It emits RADIATION. It's like Chernobyl in space!
*Tanner, frozen in dramatic gesticulation, breathes heavily for a few moments before collapsing back into his chair*
Dr. Phil: Mother Nature, do you have a response?
MN: *Birdsong* *Falling Water* *The faint, adorable sound of a Corgi puppy's heartbeat*
Dr. Phil: That was beautiful. Thank you.
Tanner: What about the time you gave me altitude sickness?
*Mother nature shifts uncomfortably in her overstuffed armchair*
Tanner: I thought I would trust her, right? Get out in nature a little bit. So I climb this mountain in Switzerland. The Santis. It's like 8000 feet, nothing crazy, but when I get near the top, suddenly my eyes start to hurt.
Dr. Phil: Your eyes?
Tanner: Yeah Doc, like they were sunburned or something. I couldn't look directly at anything bright, and of course I'm on top of a snow-covered mountain range, so EVERYTHING is bright. Then I feel this terrific pressure in my sinuses, like my head is about to explode. Just a terrific, splitting headache. And my stomach starts doing somersaults. It was altitude sickness! I got sick JUST FROM BEING ON EARTH!
MN: *Begins the piercing cry of a distant hawk, but––
Tanner: –Have you ever seen a sudden cold snap that murders all the flowers? Watched a larger animal tear a smaller one to shreds? Seen a whale beach itself and die for no reason? Seen the effects of smallpox, or swine flu, or rabies? She's a MURDERER!
Dr. Phil: I think that's enough.
*Tanner is shrieking now, almost incoherent"
Tanner: You killed Old Yeller! It was you!
*Tanner is restrained in his seat by polite but powerful men in white jackets*
Dr. Phil: Son, you need help. The good news is, I know a place where you can get it. It's called The Ranch, and I'll tell you all about it right after this break.