5 P. M. April 7, 1865. General Lee,

The results of the last week must convince you of the hopelessness of further resistance on the part of the Army of Northern Virginia in this struggle. I feel that it is so, and regard it as my duty to shift from myself the responsibility of any further effusion of blood, by asking of you the surrender of that portion of the Confederate Southern army known as the Army of Northern Virginia.  Very respectfully, Your obedient servant,

U. S. GRANT

9 P.M April 7, 1865.

Dear General Grant,

I have received your note of this day. Though not entertaining the opinion you express on the hopelessness of further resistance on the part of the Army of Northern Virginia, I reciprocate your desire to avoid useless effusion of blood, and therefore, before considering your proposition, ask the terms you will offer on condition of its surrender.

With the utmost respect, your loyal friend and humble servant,

R.E. Lee

11 P.M. April 7, 1865

My Dearest General Lee,

It is the desire of this command that your surrender be total and unconditional. The men of your army will be permitted to retain their sidearms and horses, and receive US Gov't transport to their places of origin, upon receipt of an oath of loyalty and provided they obey the laws of the nation.

Your failure to acquiesce to these terms will result in your categorical obliteration. I will not rest until I have personally poked bayonet holes in every racist rebel in your army.

Yours most faithfully, in total and abject deference, I remain your most excellent friend and Number One Fan,

General U.S. Grant

10 A.M. April 8, 1865

Dear Ulysses,

I received at a late hour your note of today. In mine of yesterday I did not intend to propose the surrender of the Army of Northern Virginia, but to ask the terms of your proposition. To be frank, I do not think the emergency has arisen to call for the surrender of this army. Despite your overwhelming numerical and logistical advantages, I remain secure in my confidence that you couldn't beat a drum.

Go suck an egg, blue boy.

I remain your debtor and disciple, and send with this letter all the love in my heart, 

Robert

12 P.M. April 8, 1865

Beloved Rob,

This is just to say that I have captured your rations and ammunition stashed near Appomattox Courthouse, which you were probably saving for your desperate push through my lines and eventual rendezvous with General Johnston's army. Forgive me. They were delicious. So sweet and so cold.

Meet me at the courthouse at 1 P.M. or you're hosed.

Love,

Lys

XOXOXO

Editor's note: I know, I know. This is super half-baked, but you'd be shocked to see how little I elaborated on the real correspondence. It's hilarious what great pains the generals went to to be cordial to each other and how profusely obsequious they were in the ways they chose to sign off--despite being literally at each other's throats.