As the three people who regularly read this blog will know, I was sick during the week of finals. My fitful, Nyquil-induced sleep set the stage for some very vivid dreams. In one of them, I dreamed that my hands had little fountains in the palms, perpetually shooting streams of clean water; that this was very convenient because I was lost in the desert, but became very inconvenient when I found myself trying to fill out the scantron for my torts final, which took place several hours earlier than scheduled, and to which I showed up inexplicably wearing nothing but my underwear.
But wait, there's more.
In another dream, I was managing partner of a prestigious international law firm: Poly & Ry LLP. I was in complete control. I could do anything with it that I wanted. I dreamed that I opened the drawer of the resolute desk in my sprawling 165th-floor corner office and found the following notes for a job posting:
New Associates Wanted
The prestigious international law firm Poly & Ry LLP is now hiring first year associates through an on-campus interview process. Managing partner Tanner Wadsworth (that silver-haired grand old gentleman of the legal profession) will be traveling to all state schools ranked outside the top 14 to conduct interviews.
For students who do not attend these programs, applications may be submitted online by emailing a resume, cover letter, transcript and personal statement to recruiting@polyandry.com.
It has come to the partners' attention that a rebrand and name change for the firm may be desirable. Accordingly, in the interests of diversity and for purposes of eventually promoting named partners, preference will be given to applicants with the following surnames:
Whotha, Hellare, Yu,
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe,
Winsome & Loosum,
Blood & Treasure,
Thisthe, Remicks, Twygnition,
Hothande, Freshoutthe, Kitchen,
Momass, Rawlin, Hatbody,
Godevry, Mannen, Hierwishen,
and so forth.
(Note that despite this initiative the firm is likely to be renamed Wadsworth & Wadsworth).
Mr. Wadsworth (the silver fox, our fearless leader) has again elected to actively discriminate against students from T14 programs. Additionally, the following need not apply:
• People who played lacrosse in undergrad
• Anyone related to a current or former U.S. Senator
• Anyone who was a member of their school's crew team
• Anyone who knows what a crew team is without looking it up
• Anyone whose parents hired an LSAT tutor
• Anyone who relates unironically to characters in Vampire Weekend songs
• Kennedys, Rockefellers, Astors, Carnegies, Harrimans, DuPonts, Vanderbilts etc.
• People who announced that they were finished outlining months before finals
• Anyone who graded onto law review
• Anyone with more than one pink Aeropostale polo in their closet
• Anyone with more than zero polo ponies in their stable
• Recipients of CALI awards
• Members of the Order of the Coif (whatever that is)
• Anyone who grew up with a maid
• Fulbright Scholars
• Rhode Scholars
• Magna/Summa cum Laude graduates (In fact, anyone with the word cum on their resume)
• Olympic/Professional athletes
• Anyone with more than 15k Instagram followers
• Anyone who is well-connected, based on the firm's own discretionary definition of that term
• Supreme Court clerks
• Anyone who has recently dated one of Mr. Wadsworth's exes (see all the above)
First-year salaries start at .99 above whatever Cravath is paying annually. The main practice groups seeking new hires are the getting-people-out-of-parking-tickets group, the pro-bono beat-the-hell-out-of-the-homeowner's association legal fund, and the elite restructure-copyright-law-to-protect-individual-creators-rather-than-corporations squad. New associates are also desired for the finally-solve-the-JonBenet-Ramsey-case team that is currently being assembled.
We look forward to hearing from you. Remember, there's no better way to join an existing work family than through Poly & Ry.
This job posting pleased me, and I was about to publish it on the firm website, when the door to my office opened and in rowed Brett Kavanaugh, Elena Kagan and Lawrence Tribe, all wearing pink polos and carrying baseball bats with vicious nails driven through the business ends, murderous intent obvious in their eyes.
I woke up in a cold sweat and ran to the school for my torts final, taking extreme care to put on my pants first.
PC: Vertigo, Universal Studios
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